Sunday, April 27, 2008

Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics

For the past two days, I've spent a great of time working public tours aboard the Lady Washington. Following six months on land, I'd forgotten just how many absurd questions we get asked on a daily basis.

Today's doozy came from a young man of about 14. Facing the steps to the ramp by which he had boarded the vessel not 10 minutes prior to the exchange, he gazed at me with eyes full of a infinite, unspeakable woe and asked "But how do I get off?"

Conversely, there are also a fair amount of delightful quotes from the children who come aboard for our educational sails. Some are heartwarming, others simply hilarious -- like this one from last week's group of 3rd grade students. A crew member teaching about the life of an Officer in the 1700's received the following answers when asking "Okay, guys, think about it this way. Who enforces the law today?"

"Uhh..."
"The President!"
"My mom!"
"Our teacher!"
"You guys!"

And, finally:

"The Mafia!"

I'm sure you can figure out which one was correct.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Farewell and Adieu To You, Spanish Ladies

Well, not precisely.

I mean, I'm fairly sure there are at least two Spanish ladies reading this, but I'm not just saying farewell and adieu to them, obviously. It's more to do with the fact that I'm actually going sailing -- at long bloody last -- and so I thought it would be appropriate to quote something nautical, which makes this a reference to the popular sailor's tune and not, in fact, a literal valediction.

Good. Glad we got that little misunderstanding cleared up. Now for the explaining which is actually necessary and not just a load of blather.

I set forth at an ungodly hour last Thursday morning for Eureka, CA -- fully expecting to meet my beloved Lady Washington at the dock upon my arrival. However, due to some unerring 6th sense, I thought it might be wise to get in touch with a CouchSurfing host prior to leaving -- just in case. This proved wiser than I could possibly imagine, as I was informed via press releases later that afternoon that Lady had been delayed 24 hours due to bad weather. No worries, as I was going to stay with my hosts, Joyce and Darrell, for a night anyway.

Unfortunately, the next day, in spite of assurances from the Office that we'd be seeing t'gallants by 4pm, another press release emerged saying there'd been further bad weather off the South end of the Humboldt Bay bar. Seeing no other option but to sit tight and wait it out, I gratefully accepted the offer of another night in Eureka.

By Saturday morning, Lady had made another attempt at crossing the bar, only to be turned back yet again. In order to stay on schedule, the Office decided to cancel all events and ed programs in Eureka and head straight for Crescent City when the weather cleared. There was no suggested ETA. Fortunately, about this time, I recalled the fact that an old friend was attending university in the area and rang her up. She was more than delighted to whisk me away for the weekend, and so we spent a few days cavorting in Arcata.

Although the time was pleasantly passed, it did offer a terrifying glimpse into collegiate living for the moderately impoverished. And while the impoverishment wasn't really a problem, the cause of it was. All funds acquired in the area seem to be spent directly on either drugs or alcohol, which, I'm sure you can imagine, leads to a gaping hole in place of anything resembling a) intelligent conversation or b) anything else decent or worthwhile. I began to grow restless, resenting the time I could've spent at home in the warmth of Ojai and yearning for the rough and tumble of the sea in equal measure.

Monday afternoon I received an update saying that the brig was finally underway with an estimated ETA of four days. Joyce and Darrell had gone above and beyond the call of duty as hosts, offering me a place to stay for the rest of the week -- as well as a ride up to Crescent City (An hour and half north, for reference) as soon as Lady was docked.

Yesterday, I arrived home and found an update waiting for me with the glorious news that Lady was in a day early, crew exhausted from an epic transit, but all in one piece and waiting for me to join her. After crashing out at 7 last night, I've awoken rested and ready to go. All that remains is to repack my bags and make the drive, and then I can finally start regrowing my callouses and strengthening my limbs and singing my heart out. So I'd best get on with that.

For the next two months, internet acquisition depends entirely upon which port we happen to be in and how many unsuspecting homeowners in the area have left their wireless unprotected. I will, however, do my best to keep this updated.

In the meantime: Enjoy yourselves, you crazy diamonds.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Thursday, April 17, 2008

NO TIME! (AUCUNE HEURE!)

AM ABOUT TO GO SAILING! (JE SUIS UNE NAVIGATRICE!) HAVE LEFT NO TIME FOR BLOGGING! (C'EST UNE CATASTROPHE!) MUST GET OUT OF BED AGAIN AT 4 AM! (NE VOULEZ PAS!) WILL RETURN TO OJAI IN JULY! (JE SUIS PLEIN DE LA FOLIE!)

ALSO! (AUSSI BIEN!) CAPS = URGENCY AND HUMOUR! (ADROIT!) I HAVE HURLED MY ROCK! (MISSILE DE PROJECTILE!) DEAD BIRDS NUMBER TWO! (SQUAUX!) THE DAY, SHE IS MINE! (VIVE PIRATERIE!)

CHUTE EN SOMMEIL MAINTENANT!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Terrifying, But True

Ladies and Gents: I would like to take a moment to announce that I am now officially registered to vote within the state of California and the Greater Glorious Nation of Our United States of Amuricar.

Now, I would advise you all to do the same, perhaps even add the action to my next column of such advice (i.e. unsolicited), but I'm just not that political.

"O rly?" you may say. Ya rly. Srsly, folks. Think of the children.

I mean, for starters, they use words like "rly" and "srsly" which only utilize one (not-even-really-but-sometimes) vowel -- and that just royally buggers the balance when it comes to playing Scrabble*, not to mention placing us relatively close to speaking some terrifying sort of abjad. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that this country is in a terrible shambles (and I do hope you've all picked up on this fact by now, because I'd be really worried if you hadn't and were reading this blather regardless) and something should really be done.

Unfortunately, for the previously mentioned reason, that's basically the extent of my rabble-rousing skills -- at least where elections are concerned. Give me a troop of 10 year olds, a tall ship and a brick of tea and it's a completely different kettle of cuttlefish.

Bottom line: There are plenty of fabulous political blogs to be found out there on the Interwebs. This is simply not one of them. However, that does not alter the fact that I will be voting when the election comes around, because this is really just getting absurd.

Do stay tuned for more characteristically useless information tomorrow, as I prepare to set sail on my beloved brig once more. I solemnly swear on my honour as a sea-faring type person that the next post will feature absolutely nothing which is relevant to current affairs in any way, shape, or form. And that's the Bellwood Guarantee.

*First off, you'd be wasting two perfectly good 's'es and not even scoring very much to boot. Never use an 's' unless you can score at least 17 points with it. Of course, if one was able to land the 'y' on, say, a triple letter, and that primary 's' on the end of another relatively high-scoring word, I suppose allowances could be made -- but let's not undermine our own argument here.

Friday, April 11, 2008

To Be Used For The Forces of Evil

I seem to have spent a great portion of the day slaughtering flies, but that's winding down now on account of my being rather adept at it and therefore running low on victims. So, a few exciting developments to be reported on, aside from the deaths of countless buzzing insects:

First and foremost, I have, with great expenditure of effort, deep cleaned my room. This may sound mundane to the common reader, but those familiar with the Bellwood family's astonishing capacity for the creation of Epic Chaos will doubtless be impressed by the fact. Of course, as I'm leaving again in a few short days, all the carefully dusted surfaces will once more acquire a sneeze-inducing patina of filth (Where does it all come from?) that will be purged anew in July. Still, it's nice for now.

I have also acquired a new and much-needed bookshelf -- an empty space which I can (and will) use to justify the purchase of many new and exciting books.

Secondly, I've devoted a shocking amount of time to cleaning outside my personal domain in The Shire* proper, as we have a real live human who is not a member of the family coming to stay. My very own, first-time-ever, fresh-outta-the-box Couchsurfing guest! Emmanuelle will be joining us for two nights starting today from France, so we figured now was as good a time as any to dispose of all those spare corpses and voodoo-related chickenfeather effigies lying around. Good choice.

There's more, always more, but it's 3:30 in the fucking morning, which is hardly a decent hour for a decent being to be awake at. Some of you may wish to argue that I'm hardly decent, and would probably be entirely correct in your convictions, but that doesn't change the fact that I am very, very sleepy indeed. Exciting recommendations will follow tomorrow, as well as whatever else I had in mind when I set out to update but somehow forgot to include.

It's just nice to show some floor again. Even if it sure as hell ain't gonna last.

*If you insist, Ms. Bennett.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Tintinnabulation In The Charivari, Among Other Things

Seriously. It's an enormous problem.

But, putting that aside for the moment, let's have a brief chat. I appear to be facing a crisis, Dear Readers, and therefore turn to your infinitely wise selves for advice.

Being somewhat sedentary once more, I am out of exciting travel-related stories to plug easily into this template as and when they happen to me. My only remaining option, should I wish to stay the course with regards to my general style thus far, lies dangerously within the "Band Camp" category of anecdotal relation. (If one replaces "Band Camp" with "Europe," naturally.) It would also, I imagine, be quite sickeningly nostalgic.

So! Progress! Change! Dramatic Social Restructuralization! And the invention of words to disguise the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing WHATSOEVER!

The question I put to you all is this, and do answer with a little bit of forethought, as your choices may shape the very nature of Reality itself -- at least where this blog is concerned:

What now?

I find myself torn between a few options. They are as follows.

1. Rambling about my life and the things I've been doing. Most likely in a sporadic and varied fashion, on account of that being the way my life normally unfolds. This option will probably be moderately interesting to some and incredibly dull to countless others.*

2. Launching into a new and more organized era of literary, cinematic, and theatrical criticism regarding things I'm reading and watching. Not, of course, mutually exclusive with any other options.

3. Foregoing any sort of coherent reviewing process and, instead, simply recommending things I enjoy with little regard for form or content. This option may include a certain amount of pompous bollocks, as it would probably end in me sounding like someone's mother explaining for the umpteenth time why I know best and that of course you should take the brown sweater because it looks better with those trousers and besides, darling, it's cold out there...

Etcetera.

3(a). Starting an exhaustive log of things I discover in my bellybutton.

4. Err...

5. That's it.

Somehow, I thought there were more.

So what say you, my fine feathered friends? Feel free to suggest things which differ wildly from the suggestions provided if their manner of suggestiness doesn't meet with your approval. I live to serve.

Also, I realize that this may be entirely pointless, as I'll be aboard a tall ship in 10 days and therefore unlikely to write very often. It will also doubtless provide me with enough anecdotes to power a small doomsday device, and therefore effectively solve my problem for me. Mostly I'm just curious to see a) Who actually reads this thing and b) How you react to the terrifyingly thorny circlet of responsibility.

May the best suggestor win.

*A relative term if one keeps in mind the fact that my total readership has only been known to number more than 6 on rare occasions. And at least 3 of those 6 are blood relatives.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Going, going...

Gone for the next four days down in Claremont. Terrifying locale, excellent company. I should be back in the land of the living Tuesday afternoon.

In the meantime, if any of you are looking for some quality entertainment this weekend, amble in the general direction of Theatre 150 for their current production of "Fuddy Meers." You won't be disappointed.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Ohgodwhy?

I am slain by crippling agonies of the stomach.

Lucky chillins at HVS, you'll have the pleasure of my company for lunch this afternoon. Kindly prepare yourselves for hugs and harsh judgments.

(I have no idea what's become of my verbosity from days of yore, but bear with me. I'm sure there will be something worth rambling about soon.)